Miss, I ALSO Dabble in Torture, LARPing, and taxidermy...

GUINEA PIG: FLOWERS OF FLESH AND BLOOD HIDESHI HINO 1985

When hype exceeds quality as sure as a hacked-off mechanical rubber hand is a flimsy hors doeuvre for my blood lust, I can assure you that 45 (overlong) minutes have been spent in a less than satisfyingly erotic fashion. The Guinea Pig series needs little introduction, save for Charlie Sheen circa 1991 or those pitiably unfamiliar with J-gore. That said (ahem, allmovie.com), let's skip the introduction!

Flowers constructs its own tawdry mythology around pop-Samurai folklore and a bit of poetic mumbo-jumbo conflating the bloomin beauty of *flowers* with the ripe rot of well, *flesh*. Actionwise, we got an unnamed sadist-aesthete clad in Samurai helmet who saws, chisels, rips, and poses a young 20something working girl (no, not in that sense, mr. hard-up) in his newly renovated Park Avenue flat. All the while he's talking to the camera and changing different lighting filters, as this flick is a REAL LIFE recreation of a snuff tape sent to the director. Or so the Netflix bio goes. Dedicated internet gumshoes may tell a different tale after a minute and a half of research.

But brother, it's not that great. The gore is alternately quite realistic and plasticine pukery. The entrails look real, probably because they are (cow or sheep I suppose) but that damned right arm just gets too much attention for us not to notice its rubbery waddle. To make matters worse the girl is sedated throughout the whole ordeal! It's hard to generate fear, suspense, dread, or even much gross-out factor when the leading lady is a pile of lifeless silicone bio-extensions. Her sole physical contribution is a fluttering eye lid here and there.

A childishly methodical pace, some near gag-inducing moments (Story of the Eye anyone?), and a few well lit shots keep this from being an actual bore, but the 15 minute set-up is far more skin-crawling than the rather pedestrian surgery. To say nothing of the drawn-out, faux philosophy lecture at the end.

Skip the 40 minute movie, watch the FAR(1) more awesome 40 second DVD menu screen loop instead.


1. Which, actually, is probably worth the effort.